The Most Mediocre Movies of 2011
Around this time there are a lot of posts listing the year’s best and worst movies, but none honoring those films that land squarely in the middle. I thought it’d be fun to list some of the most mediocre films of 2011. These are the movies you’d be cool with if they showed one during your flight to Des Moines, but will otherwise never think of again. They’re not 10 years old, but honoring random movies destined for obscurity is one of the missions of this blog.
The Way Back
Peter Weir used to make strange choices that you had to respect, even if you disagreed with them: in “Witness” he made the Amish cool, in “The Mosquito Coast” he had Harrison Ford act like Dennis Hopper. Most controversially he put Ed Harris in a Kangol hat in “The Truman Show.” But since 2003’s swashbuckler “Master and Commander,” Weir has nuzzled into the comfortable genre of historical dramas, Hollywood’s most fertile genre for harvesting a mediocre movie (we’ll get to “The Conspirator” in a second). “The Way Back” is about a bunch of tough Soviet POWs who escape the gulag and trek 4,000 miles to freedom. Inspiring? Sure. But you’re still just watching Colin Farrell walk south for over 2 hours.
Most mediocre part: The ambiguous poster line, “Inspired by true events.”
The Conspirator
Move over, “Glory,” there’s a new obligatory movie for teachers to show when they’re hung over! “The Conspirator” plays like the best reenactments in a History Channel special you’ve ever seen. It’s a dramatization of the hysteria that gripped America following the Lincoln assassination, and the politically outspoken director Robert Redford was clearly trying to say stuff about our post-9/11 handling of detainees, so it’s a testament to the film’s mediocrity that it’s most incendiary feature remains the casting of Justin Long in a period drama.
Most mediocre part: Entire movie is in sepia tone
Larry Crowne
“Larry Crowne” is the “Citizen Kane” of mediocre movies. I’d save it for last if that wasn’t self-defeating. No, when it comes to a list honoring mediocrity, here in the middle is the prize spot. “Larry Crowne” is as pleasant as Julia Roberts’s audience-approved smile, as edgeless as Tom Hanks’s baby fat, and as safe as the mopeds the characters in the movie drive, instead of actual motorcycles. Insurance salesmen who wear Dockers and like Frank Caliendo would kill to reach the mildness Hanks achieves by simply throwing on a leather jacket in this picture.
Most mediocre part: Did you not hear me mention Hanks’s leather jacket?
The Lincoln Lawyer
“The Lincoln Lawyer” was the mediocre film I was most excited about this year. It was going to be a return-to-form for Matthew McConaughey. No more intentional self-parody, like “Tropic Thunder.” Or unintentional, like “Surfer, Dude.” This square-jawed whodunit was going to remove the air quotes from McConaughey and show us what the man was capable of when you made the dude wear a shirt. But the film reaches neither the intensity of “A Time To Kill” nor the mellow buzz of his current bongo-playing persona. I now realize I was wrong to demand a civilized McConaughey. Just keep livin’, hombre. Just keep livin’.
Most mediocre part: Based on a novel by Michael “Your Aunt’s Beach Reading” Connelly
Water for Elephants
Circus movies are like the actual circus: nice things that haven’t changed their basic structure in a century. Hollywood is convinced the majesty of the big top is timeless (or some shit). In reality, the last good circus movie (“The Circus”) was produced during the Coolidge administration. There’s something underneath the ragtime charm of a circus that seems awkwardly archaic. I can’t shake the feeling that carnival life is depressing and involves the exploitation of animals, the disabled, and obese women with beards. Maybe that’s why the most intriguing part of “Water for Elephants” is Christoph Waltz as a sociopathic circus owner who’s like Hans Landa for animals.
Most mediocre part: The fucking title.
Honorable mentions: One Day, The Company Men, The Adjustment Bureau
